Idk what to say at the moment. I need to analyze everything but I can’t really focus. *sigh* I should probably write about my day, etc, but I feel more of the need to analyze at the moment, so I guess I am going to do that. Pretty much, since CIY I have been fixated on suicide more. Mainly, I was avoiding thinking about much of anything and saw going to CIY as my chance to fix things, or at the very least work a few things out. Now that I went and turned out making myself feel worse, I am struggling with avoiding things. Like the day I came back it was really hard and I was insanely depressed. Since then I have been back and forth. Yesterday I was pretty bad but then Becky invited me to go to the softball game with them so I did that and tried to avoid things. I was still really depressed though. Like wasn’t making much of an effort to even smile. Drew (her dad) actually said something to me about not smiling. I was pretty much just silent. Today I have been doing better as far as smiling and pretending to be happy but then this afternoon it kinda hit me again. Idk y but I just started thinking about the whole future thing. I know that I need to get my loans and stuff and yet I don’t want to because I cannot see myself making it through college. But then, I never imagined myself making it through high school. Still, if I take out a bunch of loans and then kill myself then I will give my mom more of a financial burden. I don’t want to do that. Plus, taking out loans makes it more permanent. Idk. I told one of my friends that I was putting off taking out loans because it makes it more real. She simply responded that it is real. I know that it is real, but I don’t think it will ever be real to me. What is the point of life if it is never real to me. What is the point of going through every day hating it only to forget it all the next day. I have gone through so much stuff the past 3 years and in my mind it all falls into the category of the past. It really doesn’t mean much. I can vaguely recall nights where it seems like the day would never get over, yet looking back on it all, none of that matters. So I continue. I keep going through more and more days wishing it would just be over without meaning. I guess that is what got me thinking about death today, although I have been thinking about it a lot lately. When I was talking with Missy at CIY she said that she hadn’t been a Christian for like 2 years, or something like that. It kinda surprised me when she said that. I knew that she hadn’t exactly been the perfect person, but at the same time I still considered her a Christian. She said that the only reason she still comes to church is because people would freak out if she didn’t. I guess the fact that she was pretending isn’t anything new, because I do that all of the time, but the statement that she wasn’t a Christian was surprising. Although I haven’t prayed or read the bible for like 6 months, I still consider myself as a Christian. Yet, when I think about it, I don’t know. I guess talking to her made me think more about myself and my beliefs instead of just going to church all of the time and ignoring any actual commitment. I mean, I have been baptized and I was completely serious about it when it happened yet now I don’t really know what I believe. Many times I feel like there has to be something out there watching over me. Like, some of the ways that things work out in life seem like it couldn’t just be a coincidence. I know a lot of terrible things have happened in my life, but at the same time, I have always felt that there was someone out there looking out for me. Yet, I have never really seriously looked at the things in the bible. Like, I remember one day in bible study we were watching a movie about Noah’s Ark. I remember sitting there watching it and thinking about the story and it just didn’t make sense. I had heard the story since I was a little kid, but when I actually thought about it, the idea of putting two of every animal on an ark for 40 days and floating around while the whole world was flooded seems like nonsense. I have heard the story so many times, but this particular day was the first time that I had actually taken the time to think about the logistics behind it. I remember being so frustrated that day, because I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. It didn’t make sense. I know that I am supposed to believe that God just made it happen, but I couldn’t. The more I think about various things that the bible teaches, the more it just doesn’t make sense. I have learned the stories since when I was a child, but they are nothing more than that, stories. When I look at them as I would look at something else that I consider to be true, it doesn’t make sense. Yet at the same time, I want to believe. I feel like something is there, but at the same time, I find it so difficult to believe in God. I have always struggled to believe that some being was up there watching over me. I don’t understand why anyone would care about me, but that is a whole other topic. Like I guess it seems like something is watching over me, but if I don’t believe all of the stuff in the bible can I really believe in God. How can I believe that he is there, yet not believe in the things that he is supposed to have done? Today, as I was thinking about it, I was also thinking about hell. Actually, I was more of thinking about death in general. I look at the concept of hell, and like many other things, it doesn’t seem very believable. I mean, a place full of fire where people go for eternity because they are bad. I know that our modern version of hell could be completely off, but the concept in general doesn’t make sense. But then, at the same time, the concept of heaven doesn’t seem logical either. I know that God isn’t logical and that it is beyond my comprehension, but I am finding myself having a really hard time believing stuff that doesn’t make sense. It’s kinda like, why should I believe in it? There are so many other things out there, why should I believe in God if it doesn’t make sense? But at the same time, why should I believe in anything? I don’t think any religion is going to completely make sense. Yet at the same time, I still want to believe. I have been taught to believe. I still feel that something is out there and that it all isn’t a coincidence. If I don’t believe in anything then life loses it’s point. If there is no eternal purpose then why does it matter if I die today or 50 years from now? I will die and all of those that I effect will eventually die too, and then none of it will matter. Yet I so badly long to have something. I want to know that everything I went through in my life wasn’t for nothing. I want to feel like my struggles in some way mattered. Idk. I feel so conflicted. Then today, as I was thinking about all of this, I realized that as far as death, I am afraid of simply not being here. I guess the unknown is slightly frightening. If you die knowing, or at least believing that you are going to heaven than that takes away some of the fear of death. It makes it somehow ok. Whether or not you are right doesn’t really matter because you are simply dead. Dying without knowing what you believe is somehow scarier. Yet for me, if I choose to believe in heaven then I would receive no comfort in killing myself because my beliefs would have to be that I would be going to hell. I guess either way, there is no way to comfort yourself in suicide. Unless you believe in some religion in which taking your own life is the ultimate sacrifice for your god, but in that case I would probably have to become a suicide bomber or something which I could never do. I want to take my own life, but I could never hurt anyone else. I feel bad about hurting people emotionally by taking my own life, I would never have peace knowing that I took other’s life in taking mine. I guess that is the reason that I have steered away from suicide ideas that could endanger other people. I figure my life is useless, but if someone else’s life is better than mine, what right do I have to take it away from them. I guess there is no comfort in suicide. I don’t even know why I am seeking comfort. When you think about it, seeking comfort in killing yourself is a pretty stupid thing. I guess I am more of trying to make it easier. I hate life and I want to escape. I realized today that I really don’t want to die. I want to see how it all plays out. I want to see the ending. If I kill myself I won’t be around to see how things work out in the end. Yet at the same time I want so desperately to escape. I realized that I don’t want to die, I have simply gotten to the point in my life where I see no other options. I guess I have been at the point for some time now, hence me being suicidal for so long, but since I don’t really want to die, I have often searched for other options. Every other option that I have sought has just made my life worse though. With dying it is over though. It is the end. That is what I so desperately want, but it is also what I fear. I guess I desperately want a happy ending and have gotten to the point that any ending at all seems better than continuing. But if I simply end my life I take away any chance for that happy ending. Though I don’t really see any possible chance for a happy outcome to my life so it seems pointless to keep going on. Idk. I realized today that I am actually kinda afraid of death. It was a weird feeling. I don’t really fear all that much. Not to say that I am fearless, but when you have desperately wanted to die for years, there isn’t much left to fear in life. For most situations the worse possible outcome is death. Since I longed to die, I had no reason to fear. I guess I don’t really fear death itself. I have come to accept it. To some extent. I don’t know how I feel about it really. Like there is a sense of fear there, but I am not sure of what. I want to die, but at the same time I guess I have some fear of not being here. I desperately want to see the end. I guess it is almost a fear of making a mistake. What if I kill myself when I could have had a happy ending? What if it would have improved in one more month, or one more year? I honestly don’t believe it will ever improve but at the same time, there is always the what if. I guess I fear messing up more than death itself. Like with college. I am so scared that I am screwing up. Death is a very extreme example but it is similar. I know that anyone who has never experience what I have would say that death isn’t the answer and that things will get better, but when you have been here you realize that things don’t always work out. The thing that has been playing through my mind lately is “happily ever after only exists in fairy tales”. It is sad, but so true. I don’t expect my life to have a happily ever after. I desperately want it to, but when I look at things logically it probably won’t. I can’t imagine myself getting a job. I can’t imagine myself having a family. I can barely imagine myself in college and that is cuz I have forced myself to believe that it is my future. I make plans because I have to have something to cling to, even if I don’t believe it myself. Yet taking the steps to make those plans become a reality is something that I don’t really want to do, because then I am stuck with them. It makes it more real. It makes it binding. When you don’t know whether or not you are going to live until the end of the week, binding issues are a bad thing. I know that it sounds terrible to say that I might not live until the end of the week, and that doesn’t mean that I am extremely suicidal, but things are so uncertain in my life. I want to die. Making plans for life seems illogical. Trying to plan long term doesn’t make sense. My life changes so quickly. All of it is so up in the air. Even though I may feel find at one moment, I still know that sometime later I could be ready to take my own life. I have wanted it so long. Maybe at some point I will do it. But I can’t tell anyone any of this. I can’t say all of the stuff on my mind. Lately I have been trying to analyze things but I can’t discuss it with anyone. I can’t work it out. I realize that if anyone dared read what I have written, even tonight, they would lock me up in a heartbeat. I would lose my freedom. My life would be more hell than it is now. All because they think they know best. Idk. It is all so frustrating. I spent a week hearing that I was not meant to be alone but I am. People envy me for my mind but it is my biggest enemy. It is my biggest struggle. How can you ever win a battle when your biggest enemy is yourself?